Worthy Of Worthless Things

I’m one of those women who is never satisfied. On paper I should be but the partner, the family, the work, it’s not enough because it’s not enough of me.

I don’t by any means ‘have it all’ but instead of feeling content, there is a space within me which remains hungry and longing for more. Much like my appetite which seems insatiable, it isn’t when I eat the right things. The things that actually nourish rather than fill me up. Like most of us life is far from empty; I have a ‘to do’ list a mile long, I have more hobbies than free time, I home educate four children and I never have a moment completely to myself. I am not virtue signalling because I don’t believe that any of these things show anything about me other than I’m really good at filling up my time, and that is the problem, just like food, filling myself up doesn’t work. It never feels enough because the thing that is missing is me, and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not the only one.

I want to be worthy of worthless things.

Everything that feels right to do, I can justify because it’s either about or for someone else. It’s not so easy to justify creativity for creativity’s sake. Maybe that is why most of the women I know have turned their passions into something ‘useful’. Instead of painting they are decorating their homes, instead of reading for pleasure they have a to read pile of titles that are ‘important’ and that they should read and force themselves through slowly but determinedly. Maybe we’ve found a way to attach our joy to our work, or those with children find the permission they need in the notion that they are doing it for the education and development of their small people rather than just because they want to, even though that should be enough in itself.

We have been told that wasting time is the ultimate sin, that doing nothing is unthinkably lazy and as a result busyness has taken over.

I can’t sit and stare aimlessly into space letting my mind drift without a sudden jolt of guilt as I realise time is speeding by me, but actively and intentionally meditating, well that is a different and entirely more purposeful task, one I can lay claim to and a goal I can achieve.

We talk about self-care, we encourage our friends and loved ones, but we scorn and bully ourselves into constant motion.

Mothers, career women and every other externalised image that we are boxed into in the western world, once stripped away leaves us as versions of the same woman, governed by the unspoken rules of the times we were raised and now live in. And I realise more than ever I want the ‘worthless things’.

I want to draw just because, I want to read fiction whether it’s trash or not, and I want to do nothing and just sit and daydream. I want to hang out with my kids and not try to turn it into a learning opportunity, and I want to go for a leisurely stroll where I see and notice the world around me, rather than a brisk power walk to tick off my exercise quota for the day.

Where did these ideas of worth come from? Why do we have a need to fill our time with so many things with the aim of proving how good and how productive we are, when the doing creates so much stress it bleaches the enjoyment out of the moments, so that even on the rare day when the ‘to do’ list is completed we still don’t feel a sense of satisfaction because our minds were not present for most of it as they raced ahead focusing only on the next goal.

Why do we have a narrative in our minds that reads… if you do x, y and z you’ll deserve a treat? The treat usually being something that’s not actually much of a real treat to our bodies anyway? Why do we belittle ourselves that way?

Could it be that the worthless things are actually the only things that are truly worth anything? Could it be that taking the time to carve out moments of peace, moments of play and relaxation that we don’t have to pay for via a meditation app or yoga class once a week are the only things that should have pride of place on the never ending ‘to do’ list?

I decided that for me the sages may just be right and the free things, the things without any real quantifiable worth, those are the best that this life has to offer. A small window of time each day to do nothing free from guilt makes the rushing and the busyness worth it. I have rewritten my ‘to do’ list and reversed my priorities. I’m not the authoritarian parent dangling a carrot to make me do my school work, I am the stubborn child that says no, I get to play first and then I’ll do what I have to.

I’m a responsible self-employed adult and a parent, there are many things I absolutely have to get done in a day, but with balance and a little time for the worthless things, life feels a bit easier.