What Would Your Life Look Like If You Dared To Live A Deliberate Life?

How often do we feel like we have no agency in a situation, no choice but to continue on in the face of events we would rather turn our back on?

The numbers of people working in jobs they do not like and waking up middle-aged wondering how they got there, are staggering, and if I’m honest it’s fear of that moment that motivates me more than anything else.

Since I was a teenager I have believed strongly in living a deliberate life. Like so many others in the ’90s, I read Way of The Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman and felt inspired. The idea of being active rather than reactive to life embedded itself underneath my skin and as I grew into adulthood, it grew with me, a core part of my identity and the way I approach every aspect of my life.

I always say I hate making choices, but in reality, I have forced myself away from a passive lifestyle as much as possible and live a life in which making decisions is the cornerstone.

I rent my home because I do not want to sign a paper which brings with it a sense of complacency about where we live. The geographic place you live has so much impact on your life. Aside from the obvious proximity to friends and family, it impacts your time in nature, and what nature itself looks like to you. What can you see outside your windows? Desert, beach, forest, brick? All too often once we make an initial decision we rarely revisit it and check whether it is still the right choice for who we are today. We tend to be pulled to a place, either because we grew up in the vicinity, or work locally, but is that a reason based on what we truly want out of life and our experience, or is it just a reactive decision?

My partner and I are not married, which makes me keenly aware that each day (even after twenty years) we are choosing each other. Those that are married make the same choice, but the added factor of the stress and pain of a ‘divorce’ can be a heavier influence than ‘breaking up’ sounds.

I am self-employed, so is my partner and our four children are home educated. That means we have much fewer ties to a specific place, but it also means we need to constantly be aware of who we are and where we are going in order to motivate ourselves to get there. We do not have a boss to tell us what to do, and nor do we receive a reliable monthly wage. If we chose to move through a day or week without actively motivating ourselves and deciding that what we do matters to us on a personal as well as financial level, we wouldn’t do very well.

At times it’s exhausting, and it’s definitely not the life I’d suggest to everyone. The sacrifices and compromises we have made to enable us to take full responsibility for our work life and the education of our children have not been easy. Yet, each one has taught us profound lessons about who we are, what we want, and how much it really means to us.

Just as every person is different, so is every lifetime. There are endless amounts of careers, places, lifestyles, and choices of every kind. It makes me wonder if it is possible to be a passenger in your life at all. We all make the choice of how much we will engage, and which aspects of life we will delegate so we can focus on what is important. Even when we don’t make an outward choice, our silence is a choice in itself which has repercussions. There are no right or wrongs, no better or worse, just experiences rich in opportunity to grow, and learn.

We go through so many phases and stages in the course of a lifetime, I’m only in my forties so I haven’t experienced the half of it yet. But I do know that you can only truly appreciate the place that you are in. Our histories take on the haze of time past, each person remembering things slightly differently. If you can live deliberately and make as much as possible of each day a choice, the blame falls away, ‘what if’ is lessened, and you are left with the knowledge that the adventure you are on is of your making.

We often forget that we have a choice. That if we are genuinely unhappy or unsatisfied we can make a change. There is very little that we have to do, our need for money fuels most things, but the how is always up to us. How you make money. How you eat. How you love. How you live, today.

What if we didn’t allow the busyness of daily life to distract us from the biggest and most important decisions?

We often fall into the habit of blame and being the victim of circumstance. It is deceptively attractive sometimes in its illusion of safety. Sometimes it can feel easier to hand over responsibility to someone else. The fear of making the wrong decision, of having the heavyweight of responsibility for life-changing decisions in our hands, and potentially getting them wrong can be debilitating. But in every death bed conversation I’ve heard, the dying person doesn’t regret the things they did, rather the things they didn’t do.

The times they could have lived louder, fuller, and with more purpose. Actively a part of every single day, and every choice that shaped their unique journey.

I chose a long time ago that this life was mine, and no matter who I shared it with or what happened along the way, I wanted to live actively and deliberately. I wanted to keep my regrets to the fingers of one hand and know that I slept through none of it.

My life has been a rich and beautiful tapestry. Every thread woven, a story of its own, and there are so many more to come.

I leave you with the most important question Mary Oliver ever asked,

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?